


Severus Snape: The Mysterious Busboy of Fuddruckers

by BathildaBuckshot



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Food, Gen, Humor, Restaurants
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-18
Updated: 2018-02-18
Packaged: 2019-03-20 13:55:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,183
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13719123
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BathildaBuckshot/pseuds/BathildaBuckshot
Summary: Now, Snappy, he’s been here a long time. Since like 1998 or something. That’s him over there. Smile Snappy! Yeah, he don’t smile much, and he hates it when I tell this story.





	Severus Snape: The Mysterious Busboy of Fuddruckers

**Author's Note:**

> Beta'd by ▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓, who is still waiting on his AO3 account. 
> 
> ▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓ was making fun of me for reading a mall AU fic and was like "What are you reading now? Severus Snape, Mysterious Busboy of Fuddruckers?" And it spawned a whole thing. Well, I'll get to that later...

Hi, welcome to Fuddruckers! I can see from your shirt that you like Harry Potter. That is a Harry Potter shirt, right? Yeah, I thought so. Yeah, we never had Harry Potter come into Fuddruckers. We’re not like that Denny’s up in Port Huron. We had a couple of his friends though. His friend… what’s her name, Harmony something… wait? What did you say? Her-mayo-nee? Her-MY-oh-nee? Yeah, her. She was here with some Ginger gal. I think her name was Ginger cuz Harmony kept calling her Ginny. Oh, that’s Harry’s wife? Hey, the guy didn’t do half bad for himself.

Anyway, Her-MY-oh-nee and Ginny came in here a couple times.

Oh, you have a party of 6? That’s gonna be about a 20 minute wait, that okay? Good. It’ll give me time to tell you about the time Harmony and Ginger was here. I guess they was here to get away from the husbands and kids and come to America’s famous burger joint. It’s really funny you saying Ginger was married to Harry Potter. Man, that guy’s gotta be a handful.

Anyway, after their third day coming here to Fuddruckers (I mean, where else would you go? We got the World’s Greatest Burgers!) we got kinda bored talking about all those crazy little differences between being British and being American, so I told them about the busboy.

Now, Snappy, he’s been here a long time. Since like 1998 or something. That’s him over there. Smile Snappy! Yeah, he don’t smile much, and he hates it when I tell this story. I mentioned to the two gals that Snappy was also British and waved him on down. Yeah, he made that same face back then too.

Anyway, when Snappy started here in ‘98, he came as a tourist just like them, wanting to sink his teeth in our fantastic burgers, and he just never left. Didn’t actually find out until after the gals left that he wasn’t even on staff, but I’ll get to that.

So I gets him to come over to the table, and Harmony and Ginger just get really quiet. Snappy has that effect on people, what with his long nose and his greasy hair and his scary eyes. Believe it or not, back then, he was really skinny too. Yeah, it’s amazing how some good, juicy burgers will really put some meat on your bones. But I could tell there was something else going on cuz them two gals was looking like they’d just seen a ghost or something. They was both all like, “Snappy? Is that really you? We thought you was dead!” But they didn’t call him Snappy. They called him something else. And Snappy, being all Snappy, was like, “I don’t know to whom you is referring, Miss Ranger and Miss Wheezy.” Snappy said it better, I promise.

Anyway, it turns out Snappy was some old teacher of theirs or something. What are the odds, huh?

Oh, yes ma’am, we still have at least a 20 minute wait.

So I don’t see Harmony or Ginger for another couple of days. Meanwhile, Snappy has stopped showing up for work and I’m getting worried. The place has totally gone to rot. Seriously, to this day, this guy is the best bus boy we’ve ever had. I don’t know how he does it, cuz our dumpster is super empty, but our tables are spotless. That why we hired him, even after the whole payroll mixup. But he’s gone, our dumpster is getting full and everything is getting messy, and I finally tells the manager, I says “Why isn’t Snappy showing up to work?” And the manager, he says, get this, “Snappy who? I don’t got no Snappy on my payroll.” And I’m thinking “Oh brother! How’s this guy the manager. Of course Snappy’s not his real name. We just call him that cuz he gets everything done in a snap!” But we look through the payroll and we can’t figure out who this guy is; everyone else is accounted for. So meanwhile, we hire us a new busboy because the tables are just getting disgusting, and I get moved to the closing shift. One night, I’m all closed up, but I left my wallet at the hostess station, so I goes back in and I notice this light coming from the basement. Now, I was pretty sure that was off when I left cuz nobody goes in the basement, and it was definitely not flashing like that. Naturally, I’m kind of spooked, so I goes to the kitchen and grab a big knife, and I make my way down those basement steps. I start hearing these voices all talking kinda funny and the light is glowing all green when I realize they ain’t talking funny, just British. I turn the corner outta the stairwell all pointing out my knife, and I see that the walls are all full of little bottles holding different liquids and pieces of Fuddruckers burgers and jalapenos and fries and really everything from our build-your-own burger bar. Along the walls, all these parchments are posted up with hot sauce names and math stuff in real fancy writing, and there are those old-timey feather pens strewed everywhere. I goes in farther and I see Snappy and Harmony and Ginger all holding little bits of Fuddruckers burgers and talking like crazy people.

“Snappy!” I shouts at them, cuz I am so happy to see our best busboy is okay, but then I turn to the girls and I say. “Hey gals, I’m sorry, Fuddruckers is closed.”

“You don’t understand!” Harmony protests, all smart and British sounding, “We haven’t had every combination yet!” Her hair's all messed up and her face looks crazy and her fingers are all covered in ketchup and ink. When I come to look at them, Ginger and Snappy look pretty crazy, too. They pull out these sticks and point them at me, and I’m like “Hey, don’t point your sticks at me, ladies. Fuddruckers is closed! You can come back in the morning.” And something about that snaps them out of some of their crazy cuz the two gals shuffle past me and it’s just me and Snappy there in the basement.

“It’s good to see you back, Snappy,” I says, and Snappy’s voice gets all funny like it does sometimes, and he waves his stick and says, “You will now leave my home and go about your evening as though nothing odd happened.” And I says, “Well, of course I will, Snappy. Of course you live in the Fuddruckers basement with all your bottles and glowing lights! How could I forget that? But we will have to do something about payroll.” And you know what he says?

“Agreed.” Just like that, “Agreed.” Ha, yeah, and he made a face kinda like that too. See the one he’s makin’ right now? Anyways, we got the payroll all sorted out and he’s been working here ever since. Best busboy we ever had. What were we talking about again? Oh, yes, ma’am, your table is ready.

**Author's Note:**

> Also I guess Snape has Jedi mind powers now? Eh, why not!


End file.
